Sunday, February 5, 2012

Blind Writing: Loneliness

I've wondered at times what it means to be lonely. There's a sense to which loneliness is a state of being without someone, at least relationally. I think that's the major consensus on what loneliness is. I'm not one who can just justify such longings; although I think that there's something to it. I don't think that God meant for man to be alone. One other thing that comes to mind for me is that when I read through Genesis, the only thing that wasn't good in the Garden was that it wasn't good for man to be alone.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:18

I feel as though this is an intricate situation. I imagine a cold room. I understand the current state that it's cold. I just can't articulate it because there's nothing else to experience. But I'll feel it. I feel this shiver and clamor. I have goose pimples all over my arms and legs. I don't understand why my body would react to a state so familiar to it. But then, I notice something about me. I can see my breath. I understand that my insides are a different temperature and the cold does not resonate or radiate with who I am. Then heat comes... I am introduced to such a warmth that I long for it. I enjoy it's comforting presence.

Maybe loneliness to me is like the cold. That cold wouldn't be a concept that I would or could ever imagine without that heat. Maybe loneliness is most apparent to me because there's a solemn sound from the depths of me that tells me that I am alone... that I am cold. I guess for me right now, this is just a concept that I've been thinking through. An idea of what it means to be "alone." This could be quickly a discourse on what it means to be in a relationship, or what it means to not be in one, or be without one. I wonder if that's something that I really want to truly know. Right now as I sit here with eyes closed, heart and mind open... I don't feel alone. I don't feel this cold that has plagued me in the past. I've been through such despair and I know what it feels like to be alone. This sense of emptyness can become overwhelming.

But the truth is, cold always existed. I've felt a hole at some point in my life. I've felt a huge void in my chest. I don't know if there's any better way to articulate such emotion. In all that happens within me, of all the words that could resonate with that feeling, It would very much seem to fit that word "emptiness" is the right word. Just like it... I think that we're all empty. I think that as children we're filled with the love of our parents, or maybe lacking of it. When we get older, we realize what friends are and are able to describe situations and relationships and how we all just intertwine because of these relationships. But in the beginning, I guess, we're all just empty.

I'm not quite sure how everyone works. I can't generalize a huge thought as to what loneliness is for everyone.

In the time where I was contently lonely, I grew. I filled my time with studying art, drawing, designing, learning, doing... Later on, when I discovered that I was, lonely- I filled myself with the knowledge of my God who loves me. I think I'm at that point all over again. I'm contently lonely. It doesn't quite feel lonely where I am. I have great friends that understand me (...for the most part, I don't think I'm quite as articulate in thought in an unwritten life), I have a family who cares and loves me. I have a fulfilling job, moreover, I have a God who is there. He's here, He's eminent. He's apparent, He's faithful.

Now, I spend my days in this bliss that I'm here and getting a little more familiar with myself. Becoming more familiar with things other than the cold and loneliness. Knowing who I am right now and my relationship with God. Building relationships with such good friends. Being able to do the things that are a part of who I am and growing. Just growing... wondering what God will do in this space.

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