Thursday, February 16, 2012

Week Went By

Last week... nothing happened. What I mean by that is, I was so busy. Actually, that's a major contradiction. Last week, I feel like nothing happened because I can't quite remember every moment that had elapsed. I feel like I've just come back from some trip, a little worn out but fine.

The week that had passed, I wasn't able to draw or create. I missed an opportunity I had created to visit a museum that I've been wanting to go to for a few weeks. It feels strange that a week has passed already and I'm a bit over half way through another week.

I guess tonight... should be a good night to recollect myself and pray.

In other news, I started writing a short story. I'll publish it in the projects when I feel a little more confident about that. I'm also thinking about sketching a little tonight after dinner. We'll see what happens next.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Gathered Poetry

I've had a fascination for metaphors since I was a kid. I don't think things have changed much. I guess every now and again, I'll post a things here and there on this blog. It's not as though anyone really reads it. If you do... let me know what you think.

The following are gathered pieces of poetry that I wrote within the past year.


Eyes are closed, you fall into a sweet slumber
dreams cascade, they fall away from me
You are the wind above me,
Gently you run your fingers through my hair,
I weep and sigh I could never lay here again.

Dreams they mostly haunt me,
Words I've only seen,
The sounds you leave they chime through trees
I can't recall the last time I saw those eyes- they'll be the death of me.

"For a Friend"

I am here with you right now
you're the focus of my mind,
I can imagine the light surrounding your eyes.

If you can be a single tear
I would not wipe you from my face;
I can hear your kind voice,
it embraces me,
it bends wind to find me.

When I read your words,
I hear you whisper.
I'm lost in this sentimental gaze,
for heart is for those who truly love,
we've loved.


Feel the rushing wind on my skin,
the water runs down my cheek.
Heaven is coming down again,
washing my heart and my head.

I see the light, it pours,
peering through the clouds.
I feel the longing to be free.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Blind Writing: Loneliness

I've wondered at times what it means to be lonely. There's a sense to which loneliness is a state of being without someone, at least relationally. I think that's the major consensus on what loneliness is. I'm not one who can just justify such longings; although I think that there's something to it. I don't think that God meant for man to be alone. One other thing that comes to mind for me is that when I read through Genesis, the only thing that wasn't good in the Garden was that it wasn't good for man to be alone.

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

Genesis 2:18

I feel as though this is an intricate situation. I imagine a cold room. I understand the current state that it's cold. I just can't articulate it because there's nothing else to experience. But I'll feel it. I feel this shiver and clamor. I have goose pimples all over my arms and legs. I don't understand why my body would react to a state so familiar to it. But then, I notice something about me. I can see my breath. I understand that my insides are a different temperature and the cold does not resonate or radiate with who I am. Then heat comes... I am introduced to such a warmth that I long for it. I enjoy it's comforting presence.

Maybe loneliness to me is like the cold. That cold wouldn't be a concept that I would or could ever imagine without that heat. Maybe loneliness is most apparent to me because there's a solemn sound from the depths of me that tells me that I am alone... that I am cold. I guess for me right now, this is just a concept that I've been thinking through. An idea of what it means to be "alone." This could be quickly a discourse on what it means to be in a relationship, or what it means to not be in one, or be without one. I wonder if that's something that I really want to truly know. Right now as I sit here with eyes closed, heart and mind open... I don't feel alone. I don't feel this cold that has plagued me in the past. I've been through such despair and I know what it feels like to be alone. This sense of emptyness can become overwhelming.

But the truth is, cold always existed. I've felt a hole at some point in my life. I've felt a huge void in my chest. I don't know if there's any better way to articulate such emotion. In all that happens within me, of all the words that could resonate with that feeling, It would very much seem to fit that word "emptiness" is the right word. Just like it... I think that we're all empty. I think that as children we're filled with the love of our parents, or maybe lacking of it. When we get older, we realize what friends are and are able to describe situations and relationships and how we all just intertwine because of these relationships. But in the beginning, I guess, we're all just empty.

I'm not quite sure how everyone works. I can't generalize a huge thought as to what loneliness is for everyone.

In the time where I was contently lonely, I grew. I filled my time with studying art, drawing, designing, learning, doing... Later on, when I discovered that I was, lonely- I filled myself with the knowledge of my God who loves me. I think I'm at that point all over again. I'm contently lonely. It doesn't quite feel lonely where I am. I have great friends that understand me (...for the most part, I don't think I'm quite as articulate in thought in an unwritten life), I have a family who cares and loves me. I have a fulfilling job, moreover, I have a God who is there. He's here, He's eminent. He's apparent, He's faithful.

Now, I spend my days in this bliss that I'm here and getting a little more familiar with myself. Becoming more familiar with things other than the cold and loneliness. Knowing who I am right now and my relationship with God. Building relationships with such good friends. Being able to do the things that are a part of who I am and growing. Just growing... wondering what God will do in this space.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Sketch Project

Here's a project that I fear. It's the kind of project that I keep on saying I'd like to do or one that I'd love to fulfill. For some reason, I've never really pursued this. There were some false starts a few years ago, coming in and out of habits. What I realized is that ... it's that I fear myself in this.

I fear that I won't be able to do or finish. I fear I won't be able to deliver. But I realize something. It's something that I really need to grow out of... "Perfection"

Working in Liferay, designing, and hopefully innovating has led me to this point. This point that perfection isn't attainable. That perfection is only a point of utter tolerance for me as an artist. I've spoken with my lead about this, Nate (@natecavanaugh), and he's mentioned this idea twice to me:

"Every artist has one hundred thousand bad drawings in them, the sooner an artist is able to get them out, the sooner the artist is able to really produce something worthwhile."

I may be paraphrasing a bit here. I feel as though he's right. There really has got to be a point that as a being who is inclined to create, I need to keep creating. I need to start drawing. I need to draw without hesitation. I need to draw without intended perfection. Simply, I need to draw.

Old Man on Bus Stop 10-30-05

A sketch from 2005

I remember when I was young and learning how to draw. Learning how to see in a way I could render lines rather the illusion of depth. I learned about form and how I'm really seeing things in the presence of light. The whole process of learning involved many mistakes. Looking back, I feel as though as I got "better," I was less willing to make mistakes. As though making mistakes made me a bad artist. I feel as though pride had taken it's toll on me, and now, I'm humbled. Moreover, I'm humbled because I don't feel as though I would have the skill that I have today if not for God.

So, I'm committing to this... Starting with a drawing a week, or a few sketches here and there... I just need to start doing. I'll try to post progress or failure if any. The one thing I know from all this is that I'm negative one hundred thousand drawings away from being me.

Visit the Projects site for updates. I've already written a manifesto for this project. Let me know here or there what you think.