Monday, December 26, 2011

The Week Before the New

I don't understand a few things. I mean, I don't understand many things. I don't quite understand what I'm doing in life anymore. I guess it's a little scary. I think it's a little scary. I mean... it is scary. But everytime I feel this way, I am quick to invalidate that emotion by reminding myself of what has been and what I can trust. History and God.

There's been a pattern in my life of peaks and valleys. Things that have happened that seem to be a mix of fortunate and unfortunate circumstances. I'm realizing many things about this year and I'm in the moments of recalling all of the past year. I want to prepare who I am now and re-introduce myself for who I was. Not to become who I was, but be aquainted with the man I no longer want to be.

It's almost 2012. Another year is passing and yet, it feels like nothing. I've been so excited to be out of this span of time, this past year that changed me. I was so excited to exist out of this elapsed space. Earlier this year I felt as though if this year were to end, I would be done and over with everything. I guess that's just not quite true. The metaphysical heart isn't a piece of meat that just has an expiration date. I'm beggining to have an idea that this thing I call a "heart," is my collective understanding for the mournings of my soul. And the mournings of my soul don't ever feel quenched. The mournings of my soul never have an expiration date.

The time has passed though. The moments have awakened and slept. It's almost a new year, I feel a bit unsettled with what will come. I guess it's reasonable to be a little anxious about the future. Not knowing if I will do the right things, at the right time. Just being able to feel God's tug on my heart. I don't know if I'll respond to it, nor if I'll be able to comprehend or recognize it. I don't know if my understanding of my heart will be aligned to God's knowledge of it. I don't know where I'll be in the coming months; I don't know if I'll still be here, thinking the same things or even experiencing life in similar, familiar ways.

Maybe I'm over-thinking things. Maybe the future will be just fine. Maybe I will just be the man I need to be at the right moments.

Maybe I'm just feeling too much for this apparent heart. I guess it's a better time than any to come back to myself, to know that history shows me that things do change. That I won't be the same person I was. That things that happen within the time I live is life changing. That there will be many opportunities to make decisions, wrong ones and right ones. That I can hope that God guides me, and shows me His will in the uncertainty. I'll have peace tonight.


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