Sunday, December 18, 2011

This is the End.

I've been watching a lot of movies lately and it's often quite occured to me that there's some sort of resolve that happens at the end of a movie. A closure that the audience gets, when they've understood and seen all the reprocussions of the characters, all the complexity is reduced to a situation; the culmination of everything they are and all the choices they've made.

I think I've expected a good end of things. A possible beginning to a new understanding of life. I can put it in this way... When I finish a good bowl of pho that just hits the right spot. The end is a bitter sweet, delicious strand of rice noodles. Or the last drop of a savory broth. I expect the end to be this conclusion to such an amazing situation that served the bowl of noodles and I so well.

I've learned just recently that such eventualities, such inevitabilities are sometimes far and few. My relationship with these day to day objects are so different from people. I've been in a few relationships that ended. There's always a part of silence, and a time to contemplate the change. The end that i feel has been happening for a year. It's not the constant searing pain I once was so familiar with. I've grown accustomed to it and the depression that comes with such a feeling. Like a needle grazing skin. The scathing feeling. It scratches skin, making each line so tender, and there are moments of lime and water, of air and salt.

The end of what I wore so heavily is torn. This "end" is a coat that doesn't keep me from the cold. It's the shirt that I could never wash. The pants I could never fill and the shoes that never protected my feet. There's not much I could bare anymore.

I'm tired. These aren't the clothes I want to wear. This isn't the end that my God wants for me, nor my friends nor my family. Today is an anniversary of an end. I remember every part. The following is the eventuality: I remove the coat off my back, I'm in the comfort of the cold. This shirt wreaks with the smell of the death of my heart, I rip it off the flesh it's become accustomed to. The pants are chaffing of excess material, I let them go, they fall right off. I step away and these shoes are painful. They crack open. My toes are a soft set of little piglets excited to see the light. I run in my nakedness, all that once was has ended.

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