Saturday, February 19, 2011

In this Hope

Camping Alone

I went camping alone a few weeks ago... and I'm having a strange and visceral feeling right now that reminds me of it.

I don't know what I'm doing. At this moment, I'm sitting in this cold room, listening to distant cars stream by and the sound of water dripping from the roof. I know that there is something wrong, that I do feel a distinct longing... I don't know what it is I'm doing... so I pray for these things.

I'm sad. Yes, I think I could even say, I'm depressed, I'm mourning, and I'm many things right now. I don't quite grasp or know what kind of hope I feel. I can say with all of who I am that in this sorrow, that I do feel joy. Not joy in being depressed, but joy that, I guess, comes from hope. I am hoping that God continues to reveal His glory in these times. It hasn't been easy.

I've noticed myself seek and be sought, share and be affirmed, love and be loved, create and be re-created. I have these wonderful relationships with these amazing people, my friends and my family, and a relationship with God that I, with Him, continue to pursue. In that wonder, it's a mystery to me as to why I would be worth having a relationship with. But then again, I know myself enough to know that I have worth, but then again, I would never know that worth without these people and without God. As I was writing that previous sentence, I'm realizing that there's a certain amount of grace in each relationship I have. I'm blessed.

I think I know what it is I'm doing here, as I'm sitting here, in this cold dark room, listening to traffic in the distance and rain drops through the walls. I have a warm bed, a cozy pillow, and a full heart.


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