Sunday, February 27, 2011

I guess this one's about who I am right now

Problems, my heart, problems. If I were to be honest, I'm broke, broken, little bits of who I thought I was. I'm hoping in who I choose to be, with a God that chose to love me- in all my shortcomings and all my inadiquacies. In my longings I've been blinded by my heart to not know what He wants. God knows how hard this time is for me right now. The pain, the toil... I've never been in such pain before. I've never known such pain before this.

I hold on. I hang on. A finger in a sweaty glove, my palm grasped on a fruit tree- one hundred million feet from the land that I could ever imagine to tread. I hold on to the hope that the fruit that I hold gives me such eternal life, salvation, forgiveness, love... things I could never expect from anyone, nor I would ever be to anyone else to be. I hope that one day, tears would never leave my eyes in fear, that tears would never leave my eyes in pain, but tears that would leave me in such love that I could not bear to be without tears. I am the fool that cried within myself and retreated into my own sorrow; but light, that is what kept me from fiery self.

I did not plant this tree, nor did I create this light. I came to know such things in life because of someone who wanted to be known. God, I see you. I'm thankful for them. Those who are by my side because of God, because of love. My brother and brothers who can tell me of my life that I could not see. To be able to ask of truth then be affirmed in such truth, to know that I'm good, that I'm a fool, that I'm forgiven, and that I'm loved. Who are with me in my grief and lift me to God whom I love. My sisters and sisters who remind me that there is no fault in being human, but having hope. My parents who tried their best to raise an upright man, who is a boy just trying to get by on God and the provision He has for me. They know that I'm not on my own, no matter how I tried. All those who have wanted the best for me... I am thankful, I am blessed.

I feel many things that I need to sort through at many moments. I am not God who will know who I truly am right now. I only know that I'm hopeful, and thankful. I'm reminded of who I am in God, these days, it's the only thing that gives me the courage to face who I know I am.

I feel the flesh, this skin, these musles that move bone, I feel this metaphysical heart, and this intangible mind... I feel this spirit. I can only attest to my soul, my longings, my person, my sin, my being.

God bless the hopeful broken-hearted in God.

Coping

I'm coping. I have friends, good friends, close friends, and best friends. Some lines may be blurry at times but I know that they all want the best for me, I know that they pray for me. My family is behind me in all this. They know about how hard this is, they know about what had happened. I'm coping with a loss.

I don't quite feel comfortable speaking of loss. I don't truly know what God has in store... I just know I'm incapacitated to do any less than wait on God. My heart is truly spent. So I hope... I cope.

I really thank God for such amazing friends behind my every fall, encouraging me of God's most loving hand in the pain. I have pain just because I remember, just because what I felt continues to haunt the innermost parts of me. A memory, could take me apart. I'm just really blessed, to know that there is such a thing as love. That there is such a thing as hope. That I wasn't born to just live, but to love, be loved. That God didn't leave me alone, no matter how I felt.

I dedicate the following alliteration to the part of me that remembers. The large in part of me that is romantic, the part of me that wants to love like God loves. The part of me that still believes that there is such a thing as being loved. The part of me that remembers how God loves me.

Memory... mindful remembering, my mnemonic misnomer.

I'm not perfect at this, but I cope. I've been baking. I get a sense of control, a sense of just being able to give in light of such a heavy heart. To be able to produce something sweet out of such pain. The energy it takes me to bake and analyze how much I want to make gives me enough time to just be tired.

I write, I write with my mind and my heart. I cook... I've been drawing slightly more often... I've been reading. I'm working, theorizing, at wits with probably the smartest people I know at work... (it's somewhat intimidating).

I'm a heartfelt mess. My friends can tell. I think it's exactly where God needs me to be. I'm open to Him and what He wants for me. I just pray for the strenght to continue to abide in Him and wait in utter discernment and wisdom of what is happening in my life.

I really just want to sing "Alleluia." and rest.

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