I guess this one's about who I am right now

Problems, my heart, problems. If I were to be honest, I'm broke, broken, little bits of who I thought I was. I'm hoping in who I choose to be, with a God that chose to love me- in all my shortcomings and all my inadiquacies. In my longings I've been blinded by my heart to not know what He wants. God knows how hard this time is for me right now. The pain, the toil... I've never been in such pain before. I've never known such pain before this.

I hold on. I hang on. A finger in a sweaty glove, my palm grasped on a fruit tree- one hundred million feet from the land that I could ever imagine to tread. I hold on to the hope that the fruit that I hold gives me such eternal life, salvation, forgiveness, love... things I could never expect from anyone, nor I would ever be to anyone else to be. I hope that one day, tears would never leave my eyes in fear, that tears would never leave my eyes in pain, but tears that would leave me in such love that I could not bear to be without tears. I am the fool that cried within myself and retreated into my own sorrow; but light, that is what kept me from fiery self.

I did not plant this tree, nor did I create this light. I came to know such things in life because of someone who wanted to be known. God, I see you. I'm thankful for them. Those who are by my side because of God, because of love. My brother and brothers who can tell me of my life that I could not see. To be able to ask of truth then be affirmed in such truth, to know that I'm good, that I'm a fool, that I'm forgiven, and that I'm loved. Who are with me in my grief and lift me to God whom I love. My sisters and sisters who remind me that there is no fault in being human, but having hope. My parents who tried their best to raise an upright man, who is a boy just trying to get by on God and the provision He has for me. They know that I'm not on my own, no matter how I tried. All those who have wanted the best for me... I am thankful, I am blessed.

I feel many things that I need to sort through at many moments. I am not God who will know who I truly am right now. I only know that I'm hopeful, and thankful. I'm reminded of who I am in God, these days, it's the only thing that gives me the courage to face who I know I am.

I feel the flesh, this skin, these musles that move bone, I feel this metaphysical heart, and this intangible mind... I feel this spirit. I can only attest to my soul, my longings, my person, my sin, my being.

God bless the hopeful broken-hearted in God.

Coping

I'm coping. I have friends, good friends, close friends, and best friends. Some lines may be blurry at times but I know that they all want the best for me, I know that they pray for me. My family is behind me in all this. They know about how hard this is, they know about what had happened. I'm coping with a loss.

I don't quite feel comfortable speaking of loss. I don't truly know what God has in store... I just know I'm incapacitated to do any less than wait on God. My heart is truly spent. So I hope... I cope.

I really thank God for such amazing friends behind my every fall, encouraging me of God's most loving hand in the pain. I have pain just because I remember, just because what I felt continues to haunt the innermost parts of me. A memory, could take me apart. I'm just really blessed, to know that there is such a thing as love. That there is such a thing as hope. That I wasn't born to just live, but to love, be loved. That God didn't leave me alone, no matter how I felt.

I dedicate the following alliteration to the part of me that remembers. The large in part of me that is romantic, the part of me that wants to love like God loves. The part of me that still believes that there is such a thing as being loved. The part of me that remembers how God loves me.

Memory... mindful remembering, my mnemonic misnomer.

I'm not perfect at this, but I cope. I've been baking. I get a sense of control, a sense of just being able to give in light of such a heavy heart. To be able to produce something sweet out of such pain. The energy it takes me to bake and analyze how much I want to make gives me enough time to just be tired.

I write, I write with my mind and my heart. I cook... I've been drawing slightly more often... I've been reading. I'm working, theorizing, at wits with probably the smartest people I know at work... (it's somewhat intimidating).

I'm a heartfelt mess. My friends can tell. I think it's exactly where God needs me to be. I'm open to Him and what He wants for me. I just pray for the strenght to continue to abide in Him and wait in utter discernment and wisdom of what is happening in my life.

I really just want to sing "Alleluia." and rest.

The Sounds I've Been Listening To

Music isn't life. I am against any romantic thought about that, I'm just stating this as a preference in my own mind, taking into account those who create music as art, as a vocation and livelyhood. I want to speak as one who experiences music as something both uplifting and utterly relational. An art that could describe an emotion without words, without deeds, without utter relevancy. Just a lapse in time where my heart feels the beat of a note, chord, verse... and magic.

I say, take me there, and there I go. This is my playlist, this is part of who I am at this moment, in all that I could ever surmise from what I've been listening to lately, in the sadness, the joy, the inadequacies the failures, the hopes and Glory. I am here because I continue to hope in a God that never fails. In this case, I would like to share the artists that I've been listening to lately. Many of them, in my own opinion are great artists.

Preacher's Sons

They are literally preacher's sons, plus two other friends, this foursome of talent is a great Fullerton California band that I am looking forward to with their first coming EP in April (as they've mentioned). Songs to listen to:

• Antidote
• Changed Your Name

They really need to get signed to a lable that wont screw with the brother's voice. They speak for us who want to be heard in all the noise of Christian beligerence. I've felt as though I've been heard many lies about my faith, but the truth is, we're human and we make mistakes, and we'll take part in life as we know it... and we'll constantly come to God and change because of Him.

Mumford and Sons

I love their music, because of my faith, because of what I believe. I know and I care that it's good to have a standing in this life. To have a grasp of what's going on in one's heart and to reveal it in such words like, "... and after the storm, I run and run as the rains come and I look up, I look up, on my knees and out of luck I look up..." continuing on with such hope, in the sound, in the lyrics. I can only equivocate based off of my own experience with them. I'm thankful for them.

Here's some tracks to listen to:

• After the Storm
• Awake My Soul

Joe Pug

I've never heard of such a man that could speak to my heart with such longings as to be one in himself. To know his father, to know what life is, to know the pride, the wanting to be known. JP puts this in such poetic hymns 101 and 35, I've read somewhere as comparing him to the Bob Dylan of our generation. Maybe that's hype, but I certainly like him, just for who he is.

Some music selections:

• Hymn 101 (how I was introduced to Joe SXSW)
• Disguised as Someone Else
• Unsophisticated Heart

The Low Anthem

I've never heard of such a band who's had around 23 instruments in an album (OMGCD). Where each artist contributes a piece of "soul" as I would like to call it. In a ghostly and acoustic manner, they've managed to stay true to such forms of poetic lyricism that the intangible remarks of a layman like me wouldn't necessarliy be able to comprehend such an idea or though of a poignant group like this.

I am impressed of their use of instruments such as the theramin, pump organ, bow and saw, clarinet, stand-up base, cell phones, bow on croteles, and the other instruments taht I can't even remember to mention at this moment. Probably a more eccentric pick of the bunch but I've througroughly come to appreciate this independent group.

Here are some tracks that would probably give you some insight as to what I'm thinking:

• Apothecary Love
• To Ohio
• Oh My God Charlie Darwin (how I was introduced to the band SXSW)

Jocie Adams of The Low Anthem is also someone I've been listening to, I realize so much of how much of a fit she is with the group because of her recent album release.

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I feel a comfort in music I'm able to relate to and resounds in my heart, but also be able to be humbled by these and remember my fallen heart, and my saddened demeanor that I can come to a God who will take me as I am and stir in me, my spirit, alongside His, to glorify Him in the wake of my soul.

What have you been listening to lately?

In this Hope

I went camping alone a few weeks ago... and I'm having a strange and visceral feeling right now that reminds me of it.

I don't know what I'm doing. At this moment, I'm sitting in this cold room, listening to distant cars stream by and the sound of water dripping from the roof. I know that there is something wrong, that I do feel a distinct longing... I don't know what it is I'm doing... so I pray for these things.

I'm sad. Yes, I think I could even say, I'm depressed, I'm mourning, and I'm many things right now. I don't quite grasp or know what kind of hope I feel. I can say with all of who I am that in this sorrow, that I do feel joy. Not joy in being depressed, but joy that, I guess, comes from hope. I am hoping that God continues to reveal His glory in these times. It hasn't been easy.

I've noticed myself seek and be sought, share and be affirmed, love and be loved, create and be re-created. I have these wonderful relationships with these amazing people, my friends and my family, and a relationship with God that I, with Him, continue to pursue. In that wonder, it's a mystery to me as to why I would be worth having a relationship with. But then again, I know myself enough to know that I have worth, but then again, I would never know that worth without these people and without God. As I was writing that previous sentence, I'm realizing that there's a certain amount of grace in each relationship I have. I'm blessed.

I think I know what it is I'm doing here, as I'm sitting here, in this cold dark room, listening to traffic in the distance and rain drops through the walls. I have a warm bed, a cozy pillow, and a full heart.