Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Old Words: "Extrapolate"

I wrote the following words last year in May 7th, 2009 in my tumblog. I remember writing this and just thinking about so much of who God is over everything I think I need.

I’m tired of the unnecessary attachments of living. Having things. I’m tired of knowing I somehow depend on these things for satisfaction. I know my heart isn’t reliant upon these things, these days, it’s more and more difficult to discern whether or not I am defined by these things.

I imagine a self portrait of myself, in the variation of hues I can vividly remember; I’d use these things to identify who I am: a paintbrush, a pencil, a notebook, a bicycle, a computer, a collection of CDs scattered across the floor, books, a camera… I have many things associated with me, yet there is this detachment from them. I reek of the silent indulgence of satisfaction. I have no concern of things over their necessity in my living, but I indulge in them as tools I’ve used in my life.

There’s this large part of my mind that renders me as who I am. It may be a mere delusional self perception. I was naked in this portrait, there were no things laid around me, and yet there was a smile on that face and the left hand over where the heart should be. I don’t know yet if this is where I am, the case right now is that I am not, I just know that is where I want to be.

I am finite. My days have an end over this plane of existence. In this time, I want to know of sadness and despair; I want to know of pain and suffering in my life; I want to know of loneliness and the consequences of being one; I want to know of death and hell; I want to know of the difficulty and torment of living, the emotional heartbreak, frustration and anger. I scream these things out because I’ve been blessed with these things.

Then I raise my voice even more to shout for life; in these finite moments, I’ve come to know of joy, and intentional joy. I have come to know of love and the many forms of it and the misappropriation of them; I have come to know that I am blessed to never be alone and that the relationships I have with my brethren are building; I have come to know of life and what it is to live in truth and light; the mere glimpses I have of my past through the memories I remember, I’ve come to know many things and reason who I am now ultimately by the choice to place God before myself.

Right now, I’m just tired in being who I am.

{Coldness became apparent when I came to know heat.}

The original post located here I am so thankful for a God that provides all that I need.

1 comment :

  1. This is depressing. You're an interesting fella, mister.


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